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The Pain of Singleness

Why is the thought of being single so painful for a lot of adults? Can this be a flag for something that we have yet achieved or a wound that has yet to heal?


I don't think this topic ever gets old! As long as this Earth is in existence, there will be marriages and others in waiting and desiring marriage. It is a natural human instinct to want to be paired up with someone. There is nothing wrong with the desire for marriage or wanting a mate, but there is something wrong with feeling that something is wrong with you when it doesn't happen or happen in your time frame. I am afraid a lot of singles look at being single as a sickness that needs a cure. When in fact, its the most powerful position that you can ever have in life.

What causes not having a mate to FEEL so painful? I am using my words carefully because when totally understood from a God lens what single really means, it turns out that being single is a beautiful place to be in. I didn't want to use single season, as I have often did in the past, because when you think of single season it brings about an anxious anticipation for it to be over. It's like being in winter anxiously waiting for spring.

After research and much reflection from my own life, I know where the pain comes from. Before I hop into the subject, I would first like to say that I am blessed to be in this position where I can speak from being married and then divorced and now single. Isn't that weird to say I am blessed to have experienced divorce? I am not boasting about the fact that it happened, I am boasting on the fact that God had a plan for it nevertheless.

The pain comes from a void that we try to fill with people. We have to understand and acknowledge that people are fickle. People are a lot of work and complex. To appoint a complex person to fix or fill a complex void that we have will yield results that wont last too long. The void will form again in which we will by mistake feel that we have simply attached ourselves to the wrong person. Could it be that this void is God sized and only God can fill it in order for you to feel complete? Sometimes we look to people fill those purpose sized voids we feel. If you may be suffering from being single it could mean that you are suffering from lack of purpose.

I mentioned that some of us look at being single as a disease that is in need of a cure. Being single is one of the healthiest states that you can be in! Being single means you are separate, unique, and whole according to the late Dr. Myles Munroe in his book, "Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce". He empowers singles in the first part of the book to take on this point of view. When you are whole, in which the number 1 is a whole number, there is nothing necessarily needed to be added to it. It is by choice that something can be added to the number 1 but it doesn't make it less than. He even went on to say that "being single is most essential to, and the foundation of, not only marital relationships but all relationships....Remember, a relationship is only as good as whatever the individuals involved bring to it. The omelet is only as good as the eggs in it." So with that being said, strive to be as whole as you can be so that you wont look for others to fill it. That is too much of a weight to put on anyone.

The scripture in the Bible that is commonly said and misunderstood to explain the need for marriage is in Genesis 2:18 when God formed Adam a help meet named Eve. A lot of people love to use "Its not good for man to be alone". That scripture spoke of a whole person in need of someone or people to help fulfill the work. Key word, Adam was a whole person with a focus and purpose. I even heard a preached word state that "God sends help and not company" and "the cure for loneliness is not company but calling". So with that being said, I think most of us are looking for company and not help. We are looking for company and not calling. How can we know what we need if we have yet stepped into purpose. I say this time and time again that we can often get caught up in the "bonuses" of having a mate and make that the goal and endgame of marriage. The bonuses will run out quick and the true purpose of having a mate may get boring to some of us in which we confuse it with falling out of love.

I wanted to address this pain especially in this time of year where engagements are displayed on social media and the holidays are here that may cause us to reflect on who we don't have in our lives. I pray that this will serve as a reminder that "1" is a powerful number. There is peace and rejuvenation that happens when you are free and able to focus on yourself. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the desire of having someone, as I said before we are human, but there is something wrong when it causes you to look as if you are defective. God desires to perfect you in ways that will be conducive for and in your purpose! You will find the closer you get or when you are operating in your purpose the love, peace and joy that comes with it.

I hope that this encouraged some of you and will cause you to dig deep within yourself. I pray that it will stir up a desire to know why you are here so that you wont try to give that God sized responsibility to someone else.

God Bless


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